A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
“The 24th of December is Christmas Eve”
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up itβs $1.20.
Iβve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
[Warning]: 18+
19.
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasnβt opened it yet.
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
Whatβs the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
Her: Itβs not working out between us. For starters, Iβm sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
Someone stole my gate
I didnβt say anything because he might take a fence
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
They told me i wouldnβt be good at poetry because iβm dyslexic
But so far Iβve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
βYep, she got the houseβ
Whatβs the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.