A great pic with a horrible caption
Iโm legally changing my last name to Osophy
Iโm going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. Thatโs my Phil Osophy.
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
Football
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.โ The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: โDad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.โ A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, โWhat the f… are you doing?โ The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.โ
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Iโm not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If youโd like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
My dad told me this just now
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple ๐
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: โPeople of the plane, weโre having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?โ Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."