A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
I hate that clown from IT.
Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
