A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!"
The guy says "Ha, Make it four"
The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!"
The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!"
The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!"
The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?"
The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!"
The guy screams "SHIT!!!!"
The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
People think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.