A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!"
The guy says "Ha, Make it four"
The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!"
The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!"
The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!"
The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?"
The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!"
The guy screams "SHIT!!!!"
The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.
She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes." "Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat." "How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow." My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these – "Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'" "How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid…
Man she really wanted a daughter.
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch. I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. What do I win?
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.