A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"?
He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?
The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
They didn't do anything.
All the fans left
They have two shifts.
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
Or should I spread em apart?
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
It's not hard
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
But not if you die late.
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
He was wrong on many levels.
I was fired immediately
He used praypal
No text found
No text found