A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yourself
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”
I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…
When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do. As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead! Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain. All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him. As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"