A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh 💀
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?