A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
I wasnāt close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says āson, thatās easy. Iāll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsā. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says āfather, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsā. The father says āokay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsā. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says āfather, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollarsā. The father says āThere you have it son, thatās the difference between theory and reality. In theory, weāre sitting on two million dollars. In reality, weāre living with a couple of slutsā.
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said…. "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Why canāt you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
āFrom a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the communityā
āCOVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. Iāll let you knowā
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
Whatās 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because Iām not big enough or strong enough
Iāve just handed in my Too weak notice.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
When does a joke become a ādadā joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
A woman goes to see her therapist…
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic