A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
Water good. Facebook bad.
President’s concern for American patients … uh …
Break through break through
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
Good boomer humour from my textbook
Epstein is not to be seen coz he never heard of him
Has this been posted yet?
Meme inspired by u/blamemombo. You can go check his one out
Low key though creeks are a lot of fun
The Modern Reality
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Wanted to make sure everyone knows not to share this pic
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
Haha he’s cheating
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
Schrodinger be like:
It’s funny because it’s accurate…but also sad because it’s accurate.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
Smoking some fresh latency
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
Basycally, every boomers jokes
I did that to my friend
Found it funny 😂 Python 😂 😂
My uncle serving boomer humor at the Christmas table
The scariest virus
Caught in the wild.
sHE’s sO DisREsPecFtUl!!
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
I hooked up Bitcoin monitoring and RGB light bulbs together
How to insert a suppository during quarantine (sent to me by my boomer mom)
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
I was at a party and every one had a cold.
Yo it was sick!
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
Wait for it!
Wile E. Coyote in the wild
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses." Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts." Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
Eric you are a disgrace
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
At least I tried :c
This one hurts
How the turn tables
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
If Microsoft were to put a crew in space
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
Trumps spiritual advisor
But Lincoln. 🤷♂️
Call them for what they are
I fucking hate my wife
Who would win?
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf." Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together." The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?" Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?" Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me. The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball. Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.." The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?" Wife: "uh I want lots of money…." "Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account." Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!" "You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband. Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country." Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay." Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!" Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife." Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different." Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it" The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?" Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?" Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies…..