A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.
He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”
The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!”
The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”
So they can beat the crowd.
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
"look mom no hans!"
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
It's too tired.
can't wait to see how it turns out.
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
He went ice skating before it was cool.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
She replies, "if you incest".
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
I will find you. You have my Word.
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse" First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
He’ll be born in February.
They both get stoned after sex
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
It’s all about raisin awareness
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.