A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.
The next day, again.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"
The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
Velcro is such a rip-off
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A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
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Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."