A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
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I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: “Hey Granddad, why don’t we give it a try?”
He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me." It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try." So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be. "Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you." Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
Dad what is Mozart doing now?
He is de-composing.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
If you boil a funnybone…
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
What do we call a group of 12 atoms?
Dozen matter.
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
Sir-cumcised
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…