A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
If you know who this hero is, you are a true scientist 😎
When You’re Right, You’re Right
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
Especially if they have a propaganda tv
TrumpsTown (sorry, not really funny)
That’s a real s block
There is no constant in differentiation
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Front-end development is totally fun
Laughs in game dev
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
skinny bad, thicc good
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
The owner of a circus goes into the big top to inspect it
While he's there this scrawny little guy walks in. He walks over to the boss, and he says ''Are you the boss here?'' The circus owner says, ''Yeah. What do you want?'' The kid says, ''I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The carnie is intrigued, so he says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is.'' So this little guy goes over to the center pole and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. Pshew! He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground. Flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And once he's safe on the ground again the kid asks, ''Well, what do you think?'' The which the boss says, ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''
Benzene or allergy season?
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
I would love to study “reproductive” biology in a hands on sense.
It’s All Yours, Baby!
Everything is great!
Lets Go Elon
Hardly something to brag about
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
He finally said something factual
Problem solving techniques
That one guy in every team..
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
haha L word bad
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
My dad just sent me this
This ones not that bad
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
This is even worse than red theme
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Questions that remain without answer
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
Nights like this..
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Then and now reading someone else code.. :P
Is there anyone?
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?
Because science works.
Open your eyes, folks.
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
Found all of these in my English book
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
Why does my boss find this hilarious?
Indian type beat
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
This one is political but not as bad as others.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.
He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her n every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
Anti-bommer ir pro-boomer?
Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities?
Flerovium: am i a joke to you ( i hope its not done before)