A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight
“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!
In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers.
"This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords!”
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”
The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Holiness, that you’re looking for the word, 'aunt’.”
“Of course!” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
It ended up making him sluggish.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
All I did was take a day off!
But I didn't have to go because Iran
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
They have no Seoul .
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
the shower gets turned on.
It's Lay Hee Hoo
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
He was an excellent ruler.
But then I screwed up.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
Icy dead people
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
Damn near poked my eye out.