A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them: "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says “No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”
