A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
So you can say the password is 123456.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
Your pupils. They dilate.
They'll come through for you in a pinch
Icey dead people
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
But, I just didn't have the patients…
Now I just have beer
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
if it isn't autocorrect.
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
Go Team Telescope!
But that’s just my two scents.
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
That way he doesn't hit anything
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
No text found
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
He spoke very highly off it.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."