A handy way indeed!
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
Why did dad get angry when the window was broken?
Because it was a pane to replace.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.
She almost poked my eye out.
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
Like seriously what are they talking about??
Like seriously what are they talking about??
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Reason I’m poor
Reason I’m poor
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.