A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”
“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men … it's a trap. There's two of them."
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It’s quite bazaar
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
How did the Sun get a job?
Because It had a lot of degrees.
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
Dad, I can’t sleep.
dad: "Why not?" kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?" dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!" kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"