A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other.
The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees.
The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away.
The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse.
The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by.
The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?"
The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?"
Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners heβs had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
No text found
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The βTβ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, βYouβve got to make love to me this very moment!β My eyes lit up and I thought, βI am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!β Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, βThanks,β and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, βWhat was that all about?β She explained, βThe egg timerβs broken.β
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Donβt know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word βtragedyβ. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, βif my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, thatβd be a tragedy.β βNot quiteβ, says Mr. Trump, βthat would be an accident.β A little girl raises her hand: βif a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.β βIβm afraid not,β explained the president. βThatβs what we would call a great loss.β The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. βIsnβt there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? β Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, βIf Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.β βFantastic!β exclaimed Mr. Trump. βThatβs right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?β βWellβ, said little Johnny, βbecause it sure as hell wouldnβt be a great loss and probably wouldnβt be an accident either.β
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him βFuck that.β
Iβm doing these prostate exams my way.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
Iβm not fucking lying.
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
Divorcing parents
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,βI hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.β 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. βWe can't stand the sight of each other any longerβ the father says. βWe're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.β Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. βLike hell they're getting divorced!β she shouts, βI'll take care of this!β She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father βYou are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?β and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way.'
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wifeβs clothes
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.