A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Me: Floors are beneath me.
I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.
They're so full of themselves.
He was afraid of capitalism!
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
It really makes my day
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
Now I want to break three
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
"I want my guitar back."
They always threaten to use divorce.
But I was expecting more lions.
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
She’s a really big help.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
I can see it so clearly.
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”