A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.
So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer.
In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper.
The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes.
The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”.
The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out.
The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Got some paper towel rolls?
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Wouldn’t be surprised
For lifelong French bakers,
existence is pain.
Fencepost tortoise he is
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
PhD in googling
I’ve saw this on Facebook.. of course
I’m willing to pitch in $500 to get us started
Makes your PS3 his bitch.
More liberal media bias
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
Poor Ribo :(
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Hopefully, Lincoln represents the vote in November.
Just a friendly reminder!
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
Laughs in Google.
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
It’s the little things!
Guess the country?
Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces To U.S.
Apparently I can’t read a watch
You can’t fix stupid
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Gonna Make ‘Em Sweat!
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Who designed this game?!
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
They really are like this
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
Fix bug in production
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
WordPress better ways
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
Describe the code you wrote this week with a GIF
Haha dog being sexual like owner.
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
I’m sorry babe, I don’t accept your ppo plan
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
just sitting there chaining like a psychopath
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
I don’t care until it does the job
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Memory allocation be like
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Found this in some magazine while I was out, I don’t even get the joke
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
Another Never Trumper!