A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
Reason I’m poor
Reason I’m poor
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
A cowboy appears before St. Peter.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.