A house is not a home until there’s an elephant in the room, a skeleton in the closet, a boogeyman under the bed, and a bun in the oven
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A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
?
I hardly know her!
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, โFather,may I ask a favor?โ
โOf course child. What can I do for you?โ โWell, I bought an expensive womanโs electric hair dryer for my Motherโs birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and Iโm afraid theyโll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? โI would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.โ โWith your honest face, Father, no one will question you.โ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, โFather, do you have anything to declare?โ โFrom the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.โ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, โAnd what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?โ โI have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.โ Roaring with laughter, the official said, โGo ahead, Father. Next!
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, โwhere do you see yourself in 5 years?โ
She said: โin a mirrorโ This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
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Wouldnโt it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said โI am Steph Curry, considered one of NBAโs most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I canโt afford to dieโ So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people donโt want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, โMy boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!โ The young boy replied โThatโs ok your Holiness, thereโs a parachute left for the both of us, Americaโs smartest President took my school bag!โ
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution
Unfortunately for him, screaming โmercyโ at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! ๐
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
I got bored in class today learning about cells, so i made this. Its not very good ik
https://ift.tt/2OrCOdg