A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.
The husband asks: “do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
Suck it Susan
Hypocrisy, thy name is GOP
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
And they’re not as heavy
This is my life now, too.
Move it to next sprint, we’ll get to it eventually
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
But I saw the movie…
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
I am the IT department
If Microsoft developed West World
Movement type of Drip
Not every hero wears a cape
Choose which rapist you want to run our country
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Boomer Quarantine Meme from Instagram
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Not mine, but I don’t know if this is here yet
Bill Maher with the money shot
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
This one is really reaching.
Spread the word
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
Karen and I had a blast
Uber using “AI”
I suppose you wouldn’t take YOU as an answer?
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
For real tho
Tester & Developer relationship
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
More Facebook Gold
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
As soon as you find one, there is always another
This was actually good
LOL KILL HUSBAND!
Their Face Reveal Went Well
Well that’s true
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
Kono Dio Da!
Oh GOD !
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
An elderly, forgetful couple . . .
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
When you wrote a new DDOS Tool and you use your victim as QA
Next time we’ll raise the alcohol age to 24
Tell, don’t show
Stop it, Patrick
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal