A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all
Whats the story with the building?
I've heard there is 8 stories.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
An Authoritarian walks into a bar.
Orders everyone around.
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
For the grater good.
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
For my house party my dad said I could only have under 20 people.
But all my friends are at least 30.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
I’m a CASHEW!
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
A blonde called up her boyfriend and said,
“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .” he sighed, . . .“let’s put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.”