A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
Thatβs just how I roll
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
βLetβs go in and get something to eat,β Jim suggests. βWe canβt,β responds John. βDonβt you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?β βOh, that sign?β says Jim. βDonβt worry about it.β Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, βSorry, no pets allowed.β βCanβt you see?β says Jim. βI am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.β βBut itβs a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?β the host asks. βOh,β Jim responds, βyou must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.β Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, βDonβt tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.β John responds angrily, βYou mean they gave me a Chihuahua?β
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
When does a joke become a βdadβ joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Iβm ashamed I never thought of it
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked βhow do you feel?β Without hesitation he replied βwith my fingersβ and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled βgood one!β
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything π
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
Uh oh-Where did the hacker go?
I donβt know, he ransomware
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
Me: Hereβs some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know βthe sexβ. How else will she get pregnant?
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable β an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched β with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I donβt know what he laced them with but I was trippinβ all day
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
A Jewish boy was failing math.
His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended. The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester. On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs. When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook. βZach! You got an A! Iβm so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?β βNo.β βThen what is it? How come youβve gotten so good at math all of sudden?β βWell mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.β
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
Ole Blue
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.