A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
They saw things differently
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
I have a complex complex complex.
She was afraid of kermitment
And then it hit me!
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
It was the least I could do.
The mime next door went nuts.
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
Well, well, well…
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
I never get a straight answer
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
…then it dawned on me.
I don't know but Alaska.
Damn boobie traps
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "you mean martini?" "No, just one."
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
Even our cake was in tiers.