A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.
"Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.
I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.