A Joke from my little cousin
/r/Jokes/comments/fjx93d/a_joke_from_my_little_cousin/
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube
https://ift.tt/2LvRzu3
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
 But then I got married.
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing