A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”
The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!”
Mom: “Exactly.”
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
There was a psychic midget who broke out of jail
The news headline was there is a small medium at large
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
