A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.
Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.
"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced.
The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life.
Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches.
"Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!"
His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head.
"If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?"
Another head shake.
" Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you."
"I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily.
"Who the hell pushed me?"
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Just so everybody is clear
Iβm gonna put my glasses on
Whatβs the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter βfβ
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
I couldn’t think of a basic joke.
Then I had an OH moment.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
Waited months for new kitchen and lorry capsized less than 300yatds from my home
https://ift.tt/2Wr1S9G
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
I’ve opened a barber shop for rabbits.
We only do hare cuts.
Hillary Clinton says βmany, many, many peopleβ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, βThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.β The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, βWhich do you want, son?β The boy takes the quarters and leaves. βWhat did I tell you?β said the barber. βThat kid never learns!β Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. βHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?β The boy licked his cone and replied, βBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!β
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
How do you make somebody curious?
Iβll tell you tomorrow.
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.