A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out…
The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".
The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV.
The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard.
As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first.
As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead.
He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon.
"Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Got into a fight with a vending machine
Had to knock some cents into it
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising “World famous punch!”
The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!" He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!" The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line." The man looks around and doesn't see anything.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
Having gay parents must be the worst
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"