A-Lad-In-A-Costume.. Get it? (Friend sent this to me)
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses." Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts." Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
What a wholesome story, I wonder how this boy turned out.
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."