A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
“What was that?” she asks.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.”
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
“What was that?!” she asked anxiously.
“Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.”
The lady starts to back away.
“Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter.
“I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady.
“But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!”
“It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.