A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
I donβt always roll joints…
But when I do itβs usually an ankle
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Where does King TβChalla live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
βWe ran out of protein powder!β
Dad: No whey
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
Why are the women and children evacuated first?
So we can die in peace.
Iβll never forget my dogs last words…
βYou took too much acid.β
What genre are national anthems?
Country
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funnyβ¦"
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
Iβve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake π°!!! π
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Came across an ad that said βradio for sale, $1, volume stuck on fullβ
I thought, βI canβt turn that downβ
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview heβs ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: βBy the way, do you notice anything strange about me?β βYeah,β says the guyβ¦ βYou donβt have any EARS, man!β βIβm sorry, says the interviewer, but Iβm very sensitive about my ears, Iβm afraid youβre not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!β The second guy goes in, itβs the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: βBy the way, do you notice anything strange about me?β βYeah,β says the guyβ¦ βYou donβt have any EARS, man!β βIβm sorry, says the interviewer, but Iβm very sensitive about my ears, Iβm afraid youβre not the right person for this job, get out of my office!β So the third guyβs about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him βHey, I donβt care how good youβre doing, how comfortable you feel, donβt say ANYTHING about his ears, heβll throw you right out!β So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: βBy the way, do you notice anything strange about me?β Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says βYeah. You wear contact lenses, donβt you?β βWOW!β says the interviewer, βThat is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?β βWellβ¦β Says guy threeβ¦ βYou sure as hell couldnβt wear glasses!β
Why didnβt the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, βNo. I have Stranger Things to watch.β
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
The seminar βHow To Avoid Fraudsβ is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
I sleep better naked.
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?