A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
I tried to catch Santa last night.
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
Spent $400 on a limo, but I didn’t get a driver for it.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
