A Lake
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
When you die which body part dies the last?
Your pupils, they dilate.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor!!! Ha!
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
I took a class about origami and gambling
They told me “you gotta know how to hold em, and how to fold em.” 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️ Dad out.
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: I’m .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles