A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
No text found
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
How does a farmer count his cows?
He uses a COWculater.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.