A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
Leather armor is the best for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I’m too ‘controlling’.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
A man calls his home and a boy answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?" "Hey dad it's me," answers the boy "Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks "Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers "Where is your mother?" asks the man. The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman." The man is fuming and says to the boy, "Listen very carefully, I need you to do something." "What will I have to do?" The man tells him, "I want you to get my gun from the garage, and then come back." The boy puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then the boy comes back. "Now what, Dad?" He asks. "Go upstairs to where your mum is, and shoot her and whoever she is with." The man hears footsteps, then two gunshots, and the boy comes back. "What do I do with the bodies" the boy asks The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the boy answers, "But we don't have a pool." There is a long pause, before the man answers. "Sorry, wrong number."
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.