A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
HOLD ME BACK ERIC!
On a video about the downfall of investigative journalism
Why is it So relatable… When I code after 2:00AM
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Boomers got the meat
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Let’s give an Nobel Peace prize to the greatest First Lady ever.
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
haha corona isn’t real beer
Let alone algebra, I can’t even add numbers anymore
Book good computer bad
Coco out here asking the real questions
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance
Unfortunately she blew it
“Works on my machine”
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
So we want you all to stay home and keep your distance.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
Imagination 1-0 Reality
design by rotating carousel
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
And weve still got 8 more months for fun new stories to tell
Old, but still true..
Google has been diagnosed
Testing in Production
Sulphuric acid goes brrrrr
I found an old needlepoint kit and made this to commemorate the pandemic.
My fortune cookie did not take the coronavirus into account.
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
Writing a feature: 20% coding, 80% staring at variables in dissatisfaction
Do boomers really think this stuff is funny?
If I was an injured cat,
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
Is that my wife or should I pay her?
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint…
when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!"
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Debbie downer is what we are
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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
Why don’t women program in Java?
Because in Java, everything are Objects.
Woman bad !!!
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
The perfect Boomer gift! Phone Bad
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
I know it’s an old format but…
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
I’m just gonna leave this here
Drake in Tabs vs. Spaces debate
either way they only have one x chromosome
How many grams of creamer can I dissolve in a 60°c 330ml water?
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
probably will become the most hated video..