A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her “pig.”
The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig." "Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?" "Well… that doesn't seem fai- " "-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot." Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?" The judge looked over his notes. "Yes… you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse." Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined