A legitimate comedy homicide (unsure of whether this was already posted)
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?” Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells “Oh my God!” “that is correct Jill.” She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “Jesus Christ!” Teacher says “Correct again Jill.” Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.