A limbo champion walks into a bar
He gets disqualified
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
Even Corona can’t compete with the family gc
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
Man they sure had big phones!
There are no winners, only survivors…
He’s squashing her.
Every time in the interview :(
He would talk to a tree
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
Why won’t google tell me
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
My dude just needs a helping hand
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
There he is!
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
Well would you look at that
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
Anger management during debugging
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
That feeling when
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
Twenty years from now
trump is the best at criticizing trump
“When you’re famous they let you do it”
I laughed out loud
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Anyone else hoping for this?
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Java process eating up all of my cpu… wait a minute
First time ?
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Global warming bad
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
Rand Paul’s neighbor 2022 🙌
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
A Steven King best seller
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
What do you call a nose without a body?
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
But isn’t Trump a lot of work?
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
After you solve that mysterious bug
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.