A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.