A little bit too much scotch
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
A pithon Happy pi day
Like my name, phone number, address…
Because they can't see shit.
It's a re-warding job.
It already has thousands of degrees.
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
…and orders everyone a round.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Because they’re good buoys
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?” “This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep. “Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?” “I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished. “Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!” “Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!” “Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.” Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.” Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder. The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
He was an excellent ruler.
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
I have only my shelf to blame
It was tense.
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
but now it's just water under the fridge.
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
I’m a Singer songwriter.
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
I have a hunch it might be me.