A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Ice Ice Baby
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Tell, don’t show
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
I’d actually like to figure it out on my own
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
Waiting for that message [OC]
My dad’s Facebook is a goldmine
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
That guy looks sorta familiar…
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
It really be like that boomer
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
Only realize when I “accidentally” push em up to GitHub.
*shakes head in disappointment*
yes i do shot my teacher too
Don’t aquire that mass!
Ah yes, I also hate my wife.
The Cowering Chief
Machine Learning Fun
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Home Alone rat Marv
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
Works I guess?
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
Wife bad, electricity good
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
Keep up the good work!👌🏾
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
Because one of them is just completely unacceptable.
Power To The People!
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
Facebook bad lawnmower good
We on a streak
They have become self aware.
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
Just Developer Thinking!
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
The discovery of fire. 1.7 million AC. Colorized
Seriously why does this exist
This should work
Getting my hopes up
DOWn DOWn we go
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.” Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Gravity be like
Gravity: notices your buldge Proto star: Blushes
Still live with my parents…
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
Compilers will not forgive..
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.