A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.

everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.

Its literally made of hide.

When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."

…and then I saw her face…

Dumb bass

Well, it’s hard to say.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.

Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

Because he couldn’t see himself doing it

Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

Mycoxaflopin

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

It’s Three To One.

me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

No text found

Richmond

Because he never wanted to fold

He’ll come around, eventually.

Haven't heard from him since.

With great power comes great electricity bills

I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”

…and he’s sticking to it!

Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

Pulp friction

But he really saved the History channel.

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

Because they're really good at it.

But I don’t have enough karma

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?

Tater Thots

I know he means well.

They use paws!

Mourning wood.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. ​ She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". ​ I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.