A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.
"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."
"But… Why, daddy?"
"Because my hands are starting to ache"
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"
I once challenged an amputee to a swordfight
But he came unarmed :/
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
A cowboy walks into a bar…
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
How are you supposed to know its funny if the background doesn’t tell you so??
https://ift.tt/2UxT6W5
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…
"Really?" she said, "Go on then…try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.