Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf." Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together." The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?" Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?" Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me. The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball. Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.." The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?" Wife: "uh I want lots of money…." "Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account." Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!" "You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband. Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country." Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay." Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!" Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife." Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different." Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it" The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?" Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?" Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies…..
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: “Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.” The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: “Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.” When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!” The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
https://youtu.be/q6rn38t6y74kr
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”…
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it