A lot of people mix “patriotism” with “nationalism”.
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
Don’t be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough”
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
