A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
No text found
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
Wife to husband… Take off my heels….
He does as instructed. Wife: now take off my blouse…. He does it.. Wife : now take off my skirt…. He does it. Wife : now take off bra. He does it. Wife : now take off my panties.. He does it.. Wife : Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Baler Swift
Baler Swift
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme…
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.