A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.
Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
I was taking my first martial arts class
The instructor told me that in this school of martial arts, unlike most others, there were eight points of contact to strike with – hands, elbows, knees and feet. He then told me to try striking the punching bag with my knee But I hit it with Muay Thai. (Thanks u/Daedyl)
A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
I told my wife I’ll never vaccinate our kids
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus….
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.