A magician was asked what had happened to the lady he used to saw in half in his act …
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.”
…
(Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?” The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” 😛 😀
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
Daughter going through coupons for shopping trip.
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'